Why the hell do I always have to act positive?

This morning I just need to let the rain out of my head.  I feel so trapped, and unhappy.  I can’t handle living like this much longer, this is not living.  This is waiting, crushed under a broken system, to be rescued by a blow to the skull so hard I’ll never have to wake up in this f*cked world again.

Here’s what I WOULD do if I could just get out of the house today:

1.     Get my best friend a birthday present.  Unfortunately I have absolutely no money left it my bank account from SSI. I had to put my groceries back at ShopRite.  I should be getting food stamps so that cost doesn’t keep taking up all my income, but I’m currently still listed as “dependent” to my parents, who I cannot live with because they have an inaccessible house. Hahaha.  At least it keeps me safe on their insurance policy, because without that NONE of my surgeries or medical expenses would have been covered on just the SSI Medicaid alone.

2.     Breath Air

3.     See some other human being/ have a real conversation.

4.     Exist

Here’s what I will be doing today instead

1.     Going through more free trials of screen reader programs that don’t work well, but that I require to view the computer that is all I have to stare at for twelve or so hours. 

2.     Wishing I had groceries and human contact

3.     Raining from my eyeballs

4.     Trying to still exist

F*ck it. I’m taking Valium and I’m sleeping the rest of the day.  Perhaps I can go grocery shopping in my dreams:)