Flying horses can't fall.

I did something really stupid last night.  I was sitting in the kitchen in my wheelchair listening to Patti Smith “Horses”, and started to feel funny.  I would have been listening to it in my bed room, but I can only be in there for a few hours during the day because I’m allergic to the guinea pig’s hay. Currently with the living situation Jesse and I have, we have no where else to put them.  I don’t want to deprive them of nutrients, or the digestive benefits of hay, so for now I’m taking allergy meds and staying out of the room as much as possible with an air purifier on.  I also have no where to put my stuff, other than clothes, most of my things are being stored in the basement where handicapped, I do not have access to them.  Jesse had work from four to midnight last night, so during that time I thought I’d try to get some work of my own done.  Without the website up, there’s not much I can do for Sick and Sexy yet, and without the funding, there’s even less.  I don’t feel like a failure, but I feel like am failing everyone in our group.   I created this project to help us all handle the destruction of life we’re going through. But I’m disorganized, broke, financially, and physically, and sometimes I just don’t feel like enough of a person left to pull this off.  I don’t need to be able to walk, but I need to be able to get transported to places on my own schedule, connections, and funding.  I’m just stuck in place right now.  I trying not to dwell on how still my life is running, but sometimes the moment moves me.  And I get possessed by horses,

horses, horses…

And I find myself sprinting across the kitchen floor full speed holding hard onto my walker and dear pseudolife without the ability to feel my legs or lift them.  The world whirls and burning eels swim up my back. It’s hurts so much to feel free.  I collapse onto the seat, and relax as my heart palpitates violently.  I have a cup of coffee and some soy sauce packets so I don’t pass out.  Then I go to bed singing an old song I know in Spanish:

“Un mejor dia vendra.”

…A better day will come.