Failure is a possibility; surrender never is.

My neurologist awkwardly laughed when I told her I was going back to college in a few days.  I'm constantly spinning and in a ton of pain without medication, and for unknown reasons I have no more reflexes in my legs and vestibular ocular reflex. She says I need another MRI, and we're going to work out a plan for medication to hopefully raise my energy levels and concentration abilities through the neuropathic storm in my central nervous system. She doesn't think I'll be able to handle school right now, she didn't say that, instead I got a

"Well, good luck with that."

I know there's something very wrong still.  But I don't think it's curable.  Considering my track record, any more experimental surgery will likely make it worse, and take more life away from me.  In 2008 I dropped out of college with a 4.0 to undergo the first round of chiari surgery.  It's been five years of that.  Five years of not being able to build up any momentum in life, becoming trapped in others lives, feeling like a burden and hating myself for needing help with everything.  I'm finally free, living independently in the city despite my disability.  I use a power wheelchair for long distance transport, I have my own apartment through subsidized housing, and am having attendant care services set up through the government so i no longer have to put pressure on friends and family.  I can go to school again finally.  I don't even care how sick I am still, I'm not contagious, and I can take a lot. I just want the chance to get out during the day and feel like I'm where my life would have been had this shit never happened.

I don't know what going to happen to me or my future, but I'm glad I don't.  Just a chance is enough to keep me going.  A chance to feel whole.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt in this process.  I appreciate all of the help I've gotten to get here.