Sick and Sexy

When I first saw my reflection after the cranio-cervical fusion surgery I cried inside my head "That's not me. THAT CANNOT BE ME!"  I would have cried those words aloud, but my head was fixed downwards into place in such a way that I was unable to open my mandible more than half an inch.  It had been explained that I would still have motion of my head after the surgery, but I had none.  Someone had lied.  Someone had blundered.  The orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Verma, was unaware of the effects of the surgical hardware he had implanted into me.  He was also unaware that a human head should go on straight.

Because of the surgery I had to spend a month hospitalized, not in a rehabilitation setting, but in a psychiatric ward.  Completely depersonalized, I did not feel like myself, I did not even feel human.  I was a singer who now could not open her mouth, I was a lover who could not express intimacy in the way she had always done.  I was caged...from the inside out.  I became sick with insecurity.

Afraid of photographs, and haunted by mirrors, I developed post traumatic stress on top of body dysmorphic disorder.  For months I spent the majority of my time hiding in the bathroom, watching the strange creature staring back from my reflection.  I named her Anomie, or rather she named me Anomie.  She was a monster, and she was beautiful.  I could not feel human, but I still wanted to feel like a lady.  So one day I put on my best pair of stockings, my best lace-up corset, my best kit of makeup, my best spirit, and I took a set of photos posing confident and seductively.  I found myself in those photos.  And I became sexy with insecurity.

I developed a passion for medicinal photography, and modeling of the sick, disfigured, injured, and beautifully broken.  I started a project called "Sick and Sexy" that will become a non-profit organization dedicated to the purpose of saving the sense of self and sexuality from sickness and somatic tragedy.  I am working with my closest friend Amanda Detwiler, a vixen victim of Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy, on creating a website for our dreams to reek their sexy havoc.

Please visit our facebook page at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sick-and-Sexy/106131966090074?ref=ts

In 2010 I had a corrective surgery to re-angle the titanium skull-rods so that I could open my mouth again.  It was successful, until one of the wires dislodged and went directly into the back of my brain causing damage to the cerebellum and spinal chord.  At least I can open my mouth now, and have continued in my singing aspirations.  I have since written a very special song to thank Dr. Verma for his grand role in influencing my dreams...the lyrics are as such:

Dr. Verma do I concern you?
are you worried now?
Not about my condition
but how you will get out

Dr. Verma I’m gonna warn ya
you can’t circumvent
when my bones were turned to stone
you got sealed into the cement

There will be chaos on the charts
You‘ll cross them out, take them apart
you fuse their skulls, and break their hearts

I bet you wished that I forgot
and thought my thoughts would die and rot
The spine is stable- THE MIND IS NOT

Dr. Verma I’m gonna turn ya
into an honest man
Successfully did alchemy
made gold from titanium

Dr. Verma ready to learn now
what you really do?
you’re a salesman in a surgeon suit
a debonair devil in blue

For little girls will all succumb
to pearly teeth and silver tongues
and when you’re done
they won’t be young

They’ll awake in a world of fear and hate
where they can fornicate with fate
where they will scream
inside their dreams

Dr. Verma I’m gonna hurt ya
here with every note
that come out like a viral plight
I’m coughing out my throat

Dr. Verma I’m gonna burn ya
with fire in my soul
and cauterize you’re pretty lies
and make you pay for what you stole

For all the little girls you screw
will eventually come for you
and when they do
you’ll be screwed too

Wake in my world of fear and hate
where you’ll be raped by your own fate
and in my dreams
I’ll hear your screams

And in your dreams
you’ll hear me scream:
YOU MADE A MONSTER OUT OF ME!
YOU MADE A WOMAN OUT OF ME!